Categories
Personal development

You are half way to changing when you acknowledge what you need to change

Recognising you need to change in order to be more successful and fulfilled in business and in your personal life is one of the hardest challenges we face.

Complacencies, making excuses for our behaviour, means that we don’t move past the point of acceptance for the current state. Losing a promotion, not securing a role, not given opportunities to step up, destroying a friendships can be a turning point where you reflect on what you are doing or not doing.

For me its not just situational, reading self development books, meditation blogging and journaling are also a cause for reflection on my own behaviour and what I need to do to enjoy life more. The four tools are a powerful combination to accelerating your learning and enjoying life and work.

The process of contemplating your own behaviours and the impact you have on others can be confronting, lonely, and transformational as we move from blaming others to taking responsibility ourselves.

When I look back at why I have been slow to change certain behaviours it was because I believed something else was at play, that was causing me to be held back, something outside my control. For women in the workplace we can blame bias and “the boys club”, but what if that is stopping you from facing some poor personal behaviour, which regardless of sex you would be held back?

When coaching and mentoring, I often say when the mentee recognises what they need change, you are already half way there. Why because the recognition is the hardest part, moving past that point into behaving differently is not that difficult, as the results of the change are immediately obvious and encourage you to continue, as you can see the impact you are having.

You are half way to changing when you acknowledge what you need to change

Categories
Coaching Leadership Mentoring Personal development Work life balance

Over thinking

Why do we read more into a situation than we need to? Why do we play the victim when we perceive we are being hard done by?

The emotional drain of overthinking can lead to a reduction in productivity as you become preoccupied by over thinking a situation.

In 100% cases when you ask questions, your misunderstanding of the situation becomes very apparent. Yet we ponder and posture on the unknown, only by asking questions does the situation become clear,

It is seen as a weakness, insecurity, time wasting and a loss of productivity by the leaders. So the simple answer is get over the situation and move on in seconds and not hours. The swifter you move the more resilient you are seen.

A male colleague of mine who has been a leader for many years says the difference between career women and other women is their ability to manage emotions in the work place. He sees a stark difference between the two.

As you age your ability to move on and not dwell on situations has shortened to a point and I can move on in minutes instead of days. Yes you will be much more productive.

Are you reading too much into a situation? have you asked the questions to understand the circumstance? Or are you playing the victim?

Top tips to help:

1. Finds mentor

2. Read mental resilience by Kamal Sarma https://www.amazon.com/Mental-Resilience-Clarity-Develop-Warrior/dp/1577316258 

3. Don’t die wondering, ask the question

4. Move on from overthinking to liberating your emotions.

 

 

 

Categories
Coaching Influence Leadership Mentoring Personal development Work life balance

Taking responsibility to how we get treated

treatmentToday I was in a coaching session with a young female I have mentored for over 6 months. She has grown so much in a short amount of time, she is also happier and equipped with skills to ensure her success. Today I asked her about how she is getting on with repair bridges that have been well and truly burned. The same question I ask her each time I see her. She had made no progress.

I asked her what was getting in the way of having the conversation. She opened up and said that it would be too painful. Do you practice forgiveness? She looked alarmed. Forgiveness is the opposite to resentful, when you let you go, the emotion and time spent feeling resentful is released into positive energy that you can use far better.

Holding on to resentment is not helpful or healthy.

It’s too painful, she repeated. I asked Why is it so painful? She replied: It was bullying and it went on for months. What did you do about it? She stopped, I did nothing, I was embarrassed. Did you speak to anyone about it? No. So you suffered not knowing what to do. Yes she replied. She went on to say I want to forget it and move on. I replied, it will happen again, I can guarantee you, so what are you going to do about it when it happens? She looked surprised and taken back. It will happen, I talked through some incidents that I had personally dealt with. As a women, certain leaders(men and women) need to assert their authority and the way they do it, is not acceptable: Humiliating, raising voices, aggressive and threatening. If they do it once they keep doing it as the boundaries have not be set properly.

These are the steps to take post incidents with people who put you down or harass you or raise voices and aggressive:

1. Straight after incident document verbatim what has happened including time and date.

2. Within 24 hours and when you are calm, take the person to one side in a room and not where others can hear

3. This is what you say: The incident yesterday where you said quote un quote, you made me feel inadequate and very uncomfortable. Your actions destroyed my confidence, something that is extremely fragile in women. I dont want you to ever do that again, do you understand me?

Once the accused has acknowledged and apologies. Say this is not going to be discussed ever again, this is between you and me. Lets move on. Confidentiality is critical as it rebuilds trust.

I promise you will never have another incident, with this person.

In that moment the lights came on and she said ” I own this, I can take control”. Absolutely you do! Never let anyone make you feel bad, people who do this are fundamentally insecure. There is no excuse for the behaviour, but you are responsible for setting the boundaries.

Categories
Coaching Collaberation Influence Laughter Leadership

Laughter the best tonic for stressful situations

I published this article last year, and given the Current crisis thought it would be a great reminder of why laughing is so important.

My team are great fun and they make me laugh daily with the challenges of working from home. We have a Online coffee catch up in the morning as a social check in.

Mondays conversation was about how is the Italians ran out of coffee first and the Australians toilet paper! It seems that many in my team are stockpiling Nescafé for when the coffee pods run out.

Tuesday the conversation turned to getting comfy with a chair and desk at home, so there was trips to office works and IKEA! Apparently some love building flat packed furniture. Ummm..

Wednesday the teams attention is now on the lack of steps one reported 66 in a day. One of the team chose to post a video of mini home workout, starting with a set of 5 press ups, etc. adding one on each day. Great video! Everyone very happy with wearing activewear. Started online meetings with some yoga stretches… Fun on video!

It is important that we laugh at ourselves and with others. Laughter will ease the stress and pain of this situation.

Here is the original blog on laughter is the best tonic for stressful situations.

As a teenager I was told off when telling a funny story about my auntie at the tea celebrating her life, post funeral. Everyone was laughing, then my mum pulled me aside and I was told it was inappropriate to laugh, I needed to be solemn as a mark of respect. My Auntie would have been laughing with me if she was alive and celebrating life is very important.

This learning about being more solemn did not just play out at the funeral, but in the school and the workplace. In the UK it was often frowned upon in business meetings to be laughing and having fun.

That belief stayed with me until 6 years ago when working with my business coach, Phil recommended a class with a comedian, on how to release tension by laughter. I had feedback that I am very serious at work and quite intense. We were told on the course that in the work place when their is stress that making a self deprecating joke or having fun, will release the stress and it does. Learning to have fun and laugh at work, makes the place a great place to be for everyone.

Just completed jury duty and we were able to laugh inspite of the stress of deciding a verdict. I am not sure how we would of got through without the laughter and fun, it relieved the tension and helped people not stress about the task at hand.

If you are reading this and you cannot remember the last time you laughed, its time to take stock and ask yourself what did you last laugh at? Who makes you laugh? Watch something that makes you laugh. If your beliefs are that it is inappropriate to laugh in certain situations then rethink that belief, as the relief from those around you will lead to greater collaboration and teamwork.

Laughter is a tonic and you need it like you need food and exercise. Let go of inhibitions and have some fun.

Categories
Coaching Mentoring Personal development

Leadership advice

70% of women think they will get on with hard work alone, according to New York think tank. These women did not value stakeholder engagement and collaboration, they believed that hard work alone would ensure they get on.

I mentor many young ambitious women and recently onewomen-female-mentorship shared feedback from her boss about raising her profile, as his boss was questioning what she does. She is incredibly hard working, taking on projects on her own and delivering.

As with many women I have mentored over time, they all suffer with the similar issues. They work on their own and are silent achievers. Some have said its up to my boss to know what I am doing. That comment in itself lacks understanding of a manager, who probably leads 5-7 people and may not know the work of individuals in the team. I have had this comment from women of all ages in their career and I am always flabbergasted at the naivety of the comment, given the work load of managers in today’s flattened organisation structures.

The advice given by her boss was to sit next to his boss, so he can hear her on the phone and he can see what she is doing. He also said she needs to brag more about what she is doing. This advice to a female is unhelpful and will not sit with their values. Instead the advice needs to be: What projects are you currently working on? What success have you had in the last week? Listen to what she is doing and then share with your boss. Other options are I would like you to present at the next team meeting on your current projects, can you collaborate with these teams as they will have an interest in what you are doing and can contribute to the project outcomes. This type of coaching is far more valuable then advice such as sitting near your boss.

Leading women is very different to leading men, understanding that women’s values are different, therefore your coaching needs to align to their values and needs.